Goodbye...

As summer turned into autumn, Mike grew ever more despondent. He wanted to find the answer to his baffling symptoms and get on with his life, but sleep eluded him and fears began to take over his mind. Mike, a man who rarely even took an aspirin in his life, was now on 6 different medications. Sometimes he would look at me, a haunted, desperate expression on his face. It broke my heart. I checked out books from the library for him to read, hopeful, positive books that would speak to him. I tried to be brave and supportive yet inside I was terrified by the nightmare that was overtaking us. Like that song, we were "two sparrows in a hurricane."

On Thursday, October 9, 1997, Mike called me six times. His mind was racing with thoughts about selling his house, closing his bookstore, getting a job with Fairfax County. He sounded quite hopeful that evening, almost like the "old Mike". I felt my spirits rise. In my heart of hearts I believed we would get through this.

He said he was finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He said that he loved me very much.

October 10th dawned grey and rainy but the showers soon passed and sun sparkled on the fall leaves. It promised to be a beautiful Indian Summer day.

At about 8:30 that morning, Mike picked up a gun and ended his life.

I like to imagine my friend in a place like this, serene at last.

Affinity

You speak
and my body vibrates
with the sound
as if it were I
who spoke.

You laugh
and my laughter rushes
to join yours
and intense pleasure
is mine.

Silence,
more profound than prayer
and measured
in pulse beats, as our
souls touch.

Copyright 1997 Cheryl Boswell
All Rights Reserved

The American Psychiatric Association estimates that in a lifetime 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men will experience an episode of significant depression. In any given year, about 18 million Americans are suffering from this mental illness and over half of those are not getting any treatment. Some 30,000 people will take their own lives.

There is still a social stigma attached to mental illnesses and depression itself often goes unrecognized. Depression is not merely "the blues" but it blackens one's whole world, making life flat and colorless where it was once vibrant. At its worst, depression makes life unbearable.

The depressed person needs the support of their family and friends who must understand that the disease should be treated as a bona fide illness. Depressed people cannot be expected to carry on their life as usual while they are ill.

"Involuntary Melancholia" by its old name, seems to involve a complex mixture of social, biochemical and genetic factors. But with understanding, compassion, psychotherapy and antidepressent drugs, it can be overcome.